


Not Just Another Tuesday

by septima_sum



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Derek is here for the rescue, Humor, M/M, Stiles got kidnapped, actually pure crack, and for the snark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 18:19:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3080483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/septima_sum/pseuds/septima_sum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles got kidnapped. Derek got a headache. It’s not shaping up to be the best day ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Just Another Tuesday

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this about two months ago, just after watching season 2. By now it’s probably not canon-compatible in any form. *Kanye shrug* All you have to know is that this takes place in a parallel universe in which Derek Hale is still an alpha, and there are puppy piles, and pack meetings, and monsters-of-the-week, and everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.

It wasn’t even an hour before Derek turned up at the warehouse, scowling and looking murderous.

“I don’t fucking believe this. You got kidnapped by a vampire. Kidnapped! _Again.”_

“I didn’t plan for it to happen! It’s not my fault this city has a built-in, seven-star hellmouth!” Stiles wriggled against the grip of the vampire. It was useless. His arms were locked behind his back and all his wriggling resulted in was an annoyed hiss and an even tighter hold on his wrists. Five long, spindly fingers – as strong as steel bands – were wrapped around them; easily keeping him in place. Still, he felt it was his duty as a good kidnappee to at least try getting away.

“Dude, I bruise easily. Pale polish complexion. Careful, okay?” Stiles muttered.

The vampire ignored him. His attention was trained solely on the werewolf in front of him. To be fair, Derek was sporting fangs and glowing red eyes and looked ready to rip someone’s head off (though Stiles wasn’t confident it was the vampire’s head).

“Derek Hale. I have kidnapped this young man-“

“I specifically told you to stay indoors after sunset!” Derek yelled at Stiles.

“And I specifically told you I had stuff to take care of!”

A vein on Derek’s temple started to twitch. “I told you there were vampires around!” He pointed behind Stiles. “And guess _what._ I was right.”

“There are always vampires around. Or hellhounds. Or twinkling fairies. I can’t stay indoors all my life. And you for sure can’t make me!”

“Unbelievable. You’re behaving like a toddler.”

“ _You’re_ behaving like a toddler!”

“I’m not!”

“You are!”

“I’m too old for this,” Derek growled.

“No, _I’m_ too old for this,” the vampire snapped. “Hale, you see that I’ve detained one of your betas-“

“I’m _not_ his beta.”

Derek frowned. “Yes, you are.”

“You can’t just include me in your pack when it suits you and exclude me when it gets inconvenient!” Stiles yelled. “Being in a pack means commitment! You can’t switch my membership on and off!”

“I have never excluded you!”

“Yeah? What about last week? Who went yeti-hunting all on their own?”

“Is that what this is all about, the yetis? Is that why you’ve let yourself be kidnapped?”

“Yetis?” the vampire asked.

“I did not let myself be kidnapped,” Stiles snapped.

“No, I’m sure you behaved completely responsibly and did not bait any vampire by frolicking in the streets without a care for the world. I can picture it perfectly.”

“I did not bait any vampires! Fuck you, that’s victim-blaming,” Stiles hissed, aggravated. 

“I kidnapped him without his consent,” the vampire said, holding up a placating hand. “I am the shadow that clouds the night. I am the darkness that throttles dreams.”

Derek fixed him with an irritated stare.

“And besides, what about those pack cuddle sessions?” Stiles asked. “I’m never invited to them. Exhibit B. I’m simply not pack.”

“We don’t have…we don’t _cuddle!”_

“I have pictorial evidence. A puppy pile. You regularly puppy-pile in your house. You even watch TV and eat popcorn and everything. Erica told me you played Mario Party the last time.”

“We did not,” Derek protested, glancing at the vampire with increasing levels of embarrassment. 

“I’ll have you know I’m really good at Mario Party. That game was practically invented for people with ADHD! I regularly beat Scott’s ass at this game, even after he lucked out in the reflexes department, so you should _really_ want me on your team! I’m an invaluable asset!”

Derek’s mouth opened and closed.

The vampire snarled, sounding impatient. “Gentlemen, could we please – only for a little moment – remember that I kidnapped this young man? I didn’t take him hostage out of sheer idleness. I’m here to bargain for something that is very dear to my heart. Hale, I claim a part of your territory for my own. The preserve falls under my dominion now.”

Derek huffed. “Request denied.”

The vampire stuttered.

Stiles gave Derek a long look. “Seriously, dude. Why do you never invite me?” 

Derek huffed. “How was I supposed to know you’d liked to be invited? You’re not a werewolf. You don’t _need_ to be in a pack. You don’t need to throw yourself into every suicidal situation. And besides, you called me” – Derek began to count on his fingers – “a _sourwolf_ , a _creeperwolf_ , a _failwolf_ and someone against whom you’d really like to file a restraining order because he had read Twilight one too many times. Though you added that one time would already have been one time too many. For the record, I never read any of the books! I didn’t even watch the movies.”

“Dude, I only complained because of your overbearing macho-were tendencies.”

“My what?”

“You used to slam me into doors!”

“I-“

“And walls!”

“No, I-“

“Come to think of it, any hard surface!”

“Oh my.” The vampire tutted judgmentally and glared darkly at Derek.

“Because you used to be extremely irritating! You can be annoying as hell, in case you didn’t notice!”

“That’s no excuse!”

“I know.” Derek visibly deflated. “It’s no excuse. I would never do that again. After Laura’s death, I was…I was a mess. Everything I did, I did wrong.” Derek stepped closer. “I know I was too rough with you. Too rough with everyone. I was an asshole. Since everything has settled down, I – I’m seeing a therapist.”

Stiles looked stunned. “Really? You’re seeing a therapist?”

Derek nodded, looking sheepish. “I did – do have my fair share of issues.” 

“You don’t say.” Stiles grinned. “I’m proud of you! After my mom died, they tried to drag me to some therapist and I flat out refused. I wasn’t in the right state of mind for it, but…about half a year later, I went. And it was good. Helped some, I think.”

“It’s difficult…really difficult, most days. But I think I’m making progress. I realized that I’ve externalized a lot of my issues. And I’ve sabotaged a lot of my relationships. There are so many different things that need to be addressed, so many things that I’ve ignored for much too long …it’s…it’s exhausting. But I don’t want to run away anymore. I want to get better.”

Stiles beamed at Derek. “And you will! I’m absolutely a hundred percent sure that you will.”

Derek ducked his head and smiled back. Shyly. 

The vampire shifted his weight from one foot to another. “This is all very swell and I’m happy for you, but this is a life-or-death hostage-taking situation and do I truly need to remind you that we have matters of importance to negotiate? I kidnapped this young man for a reason. We should get this over with.”

“I agree,” Derek growled. 

“Me too. I’m already late,” Stiles said. 

“Really? What do you have planned?”

“Oh, just a date. I’m going on a date.”

Silence.

“You’re doing WHAT?” Derek asked.

“Well, this is awkward…” the vampire said.

“It’s maybe more of a booty call.”

“A BOOTY CALL?”

“Dear Lord,” the vampire said.

Stiles looked hurt. “Are you surprised someone would want to sleep with me? I know you find me unattractive, but dude, you’re going out of the way to un-boost my ego. I’m not that ugly.”

The vampire groaned. 

Derek looked ready to throw a furry hissy fit. “STILES. That’s not what I meant. Go on a date with me.”

Stiles sputtered. “What?”

“You heard me! _Go on a date with me.”_

“Are you seriously asking me out? Your lack of facial expressions makes that hard to tell.”

“I do believe he is asking you out,” the vampire said. “Though even for a lycanthrope, he falls woefully short of any sort of proper courting decorum.”

Stiles looked completely confused. “Why do you want to go on a date with me?”

Derek opened his mouth and closed it again, looking lost. “Um.”

“Derek?”

He shrugged. “Just. I don’t know. So you won’t go with someone else?”

Stiles gaped like a fish. 

“Oh for Christ's sake, you dumfungled cretins!” the vampire said. He released his grip on Stiles and gave him a shove so that he was sent tumbling forward. Stiles staggered right into Derek’s arms, which instantly closed around him in a tight embrace. Stiles felt Derek take a deep, shuddery breath right beside his ear. 

“You’re safe,” Derek whispered.

“You’re ridiculous,” Stiles whispered back, smiling. 

“Gfffwwhh! You are _both_ ridiculous! I can’t bear to witness your fumbling, painfully inept mating dance a moment longer!” the vampire screeched.

He addressed Stiles. “Listen, dense human. He loves you. It’s written all over his ugly werewolf face. He would kill for you. He would maim for you. You are his mate. His partner. The other half of his furry soul. He probably finds your inane blabbering adorable and only occasionally wants to stab himself with a rusty fork, so that’s love, plain and simple. How could you fail to notice that? He wants to do things with you that do not bear repeating in polite company. That is not a _friendly_ hug. That is a _more-than-friendly_ hug.” 

Stiles’s eyes were as big as saucers. 

Derek loosened his vise-like grip on Stiles and took a step back, locking guilty. 

“And you!” the vampire said, pointing a spindly finger at Derek. “You need to realize that your efforts to keep the human safe are perceived as patronizing and condescending. He won’t behave so irresponsibly if you treat him as an equal and show that you respect his autonomy. Humans often have a deeply ingrained inferiority complex. The more you act like you don’t trust him with his life, the worse it is bound to get. You need to find a balance between leading the werewolf members of your pack and making the human members feel included and welcome. Humans don’t have the exact same needs or instincts as werewolves.” 

Derek stared at him, dumbfounded. 

The vampire threw his hand in the air. “That’s it! I’ll be on my way! I don’t want any part of this territory! I don’t want to see any of you ever again! Have a nice day! Have a nice life! Goodbye!” 

He turned and went the other way, stalking out of the warehouse (all the while angrily muttering to himself). 

The metal door slammed shut with a loud bang. 

In the ensuing silence, Stiles and Derek hardly dared to look at each other. 

“Is it true?” Stiles finally croaked. “All the stuff that he said.” 

Derek took a deep breath, looking uncertain. “It’s true.” 

Stiles grinned. “You want to do things with me that do not bear repeating in polite company?” 

Derek huffed. “I want to take you on a date.” 

Stiles smiled, obviously delighted. “I’d be fine with that.” 

“Yeah?” Derek asked. 

“Absolutely.” Stiles took a step closer, right into Derek’s personal space. He could smell Derek’s aftershave now and underneath that just Derek’s scent – something so deliciously good that he just wanted to roll around in it forever. Ugh. The werewolves were clearly rubbing off on him. Derek tracked his every movement and Stiles was maybe supposed to get nervous, but didn’t – he was momentarily distracted by trying to pinpoint the color of Derek’s eyes. He was so close now that he could make out the luminous, bright green melt into a light brown, could count each of the dark lashes that framed the eyes. 

The kiss almost took Stiles by surprise. 

Derek’s lips were soft, softer than he’d expected – just warm pressure against his own lips. There was hesitation in the brief contact until Stiles kissed him back enthusiastically. Stiles’s hands ended up in Derek’s hair and Derek leaned into him, the heat of his body seeping through Stiles’s thin T-shirt. When they broke the kiss, Derek sort of nuzzled into the crook of Stiles’s neck and emitted a low growling noise. It was adorable. Disconcerting, but adorable. 

Placing a finger under his chin, Stiles tipped Derek’s face up. Derek looked at him with big, dazed eyes. Stiles wished he was a werewolf in that moment, able to get a firmer grasp on Derek’s emotions. 

The next kiss was more drawn out, more insistent, more intent; both of them enjoyed each shiver it elicited. Stiles positively melted against Derek’s form. Derek had a nice body to melt against. 

“That was by far my favorite kidnapping of the year,” Stiles said, finally coming up for air. “All time, I say it ranks in the best five-” 

Stiles was cut off by Derek kissing him again. 

And that, as Derek soon began to learn, was really the most effective way of getting Stiles Stilinski to shut up. 

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism is always welcome.


End file.
